I always had a negative attitude towards blogging.. i don't know why it was mostlyintuitive .. that blogging is something those do who are not able to hide their feelings...
but now i realize that it's not that bad .. i mean u can just write whatever nonsense u want and anybody who wishes to read will read.. no expectations !! quite a kool concept ....
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Some bitter memories...I want to let go...
I was a simple happy-go-lucky girl. I had just joined college and was too frank with everyone. I made quite a few ‘friends’ in my class and everything was going fine (as it seemed so). I only did what others did and was not considered ‘psycho’ or ‘different’. But somewhere there was a difference b/w me and others. My life was relatively ‘fraud-free’.
Then came majors and unlike previous semesters, this time I studied for them. Among my courses was a course on discrete mathematics which was being taught by a prof well known for his love for giving F grades. So the pre major totals never looked as if they were out of 50 .. the range generally was b/w 0 to 20 with a few exceptions.
The paper started at 1:00 p.m. I was sitting on the first seat. The paper was difficult as expected. But I was struggling my way through it. My pmt, like everyone was bad (around 22/50) but this time I had prepared well and was ready to give my best. To my surprise, the prof left after 15 mins and left a pretty dumb (pretty but dumb) teacher to invigilate. Till then it was fine. Now the TA roamed around and started helping the students with the answers. Answer scripts were being exchanged, solutions were being discussed and there was a complete chaotic situation in the name of ‘major’.
It wasn’t the first time I had seen my classmates ‘helping’ each other but I never bothered as I always thought when the prof is not worried, why should I bother ! But this day was different. I always respected this prof and considered him to be very idealistic and was feeling sad to think how his TA was breaking his trust. She was actually looking into books trying to locate answers while the students were busy with their group discussions.
After the paper, I had to go to sir for some doubt. While I was going there I met two of my friends who were also very frustrated because of what happened in the major. I went to sir’s office and suddenly he asked me,“ How was the paper ?” I don’t know what happened to me. My heart did not allow me to keep quiet. I just said,” Sir, I want to tell you something that I shouldn’t.”
And that moment somehow allowed me to go against all my classmates and friends and tell him all that happened in the class. My exact words were,” Today’s paper was not conducted fairly. It was a complete chaos.”
As soon these words came out of my mouth, I realized I had done something I will not be forgiven for. I came out of his office and called up my parents. They did not support me !! My mom said I should go and say sorry to my classmates… somehow I did not support myself. A couple of close friends made me realize I had not done a crime so I can maybe relax.
But I was greeted by the rudest of status messages on yahoo messenger and offliners with abusive language for me. Already my classmates knew !!! One of my friends called up and asked why I had to do this. I had no answer. He told me that sir had called him up and told him that I had complained. I was heartbroken.
One day, I went up to him to ask him not to punish anyone very severly. To my dismay he said,” Surabhi, if I were you I would never go against my class like this.” I was completely broken that moment. My heart became the heaviest and I controlled my tears and fled. I could not imagine how I would face everyone.
Ofcourse nobody wanted to see my face or keep anything with me. Everyone was against me. I received 2-3 mails saying ‘I think what you did was correct.’ But I did not respond to any. I did not talk to anybody and nobody talked to me either. They were accusing me of having some political reasons, personal fights etc of which I took revenge in this form. When I heard all this, I used to cry !! It was sick !! I never had any motive except to make the prof aware that he was not being careful in the way he conducted his examination. NOTHING ELSE
Anyways, I've been trying my best to make things ‘normal’ but as expected it is not easy. I am still not comfortable with my classmates and now as I'm passing out... sometimes I'm not able to bear the pain...
I just want to let go off this incident... somebody please empty my mind off it...
Then came majors and unlike previous semesters, this time I studied for them. Among my courses was a course on discrete mathematics which was being taught by a prof well known for his love for giving F grades. So the pre major totals never looked as if they were out of 50 .. the range generally was b/w 0 to 20 with a few exceptions.
The paper started at 1:00 p.m. I was sitting on the first seat. The paper was difficult as expected. But I was struggling my way through it. My pmt, like everyone was bad (around 22/50) but this time I had prepared well and was ready to give my best. To my surprise, the prof left after 15 mins and left a pretty dumb (pretty but dumb) teacher to invigilate. Till then it was fine. Now the TA roamed around and started helping the students with the answers. Answer scripts were being exchanged, solutions were being discussed and there was a complete chaotic situation in the name of ‘major’.
It wasn’t the first time I had seen my classmates ‘helping’ each other but I never bothered as I always thought when the prof is not worried, why should I bother ! But this day was different. I always respected this prof and considered him to be very idealistic and was feeling sad to think how his TA was breaking his trust. She was actually looking into books trying to locate answers while the students were busy with their group discussions.
After the paper, I had to go to sir for some doubt. While I was going there I met two of my friends who were also very frustrated because of what happened in the major. I went to sir’s office and suddenly he asked me,“ How was the paper ?” I don’t know what happened to me. My heart did not allow me to keep quiet. I just said,” Sir, I want to tell you something that I shouldn’t.”
And that moment somehow allowed me to go against all my classmates and friends and tell him all that happened in the class. My exact words were,” Today’s paper was not conducted fairly. It was a complete chaos.”
As soon these words came out of my mouth, I realized I had done something I will not be forgiven for. I came out of his office and called up my parents. They did not support me !! My mom said I should go and say sorry to my classmates… somehow I did not support myself. A couple of close friends made me realize I had not done a crime so I can maybe relax.
But I was greeted by the rudest of status messages on yahoo messenger and offliners with abusive language for me. Already my classmates knew !!! One of my friends called up and asked why I had to do this. I had no answer. He told me that sir had called him up and told him that I had complained. I was heartbroken.
One day, I went up to him to ask him not to punish anyone very severly. To my dismay he said,” Surabhi, if I were you I would never go against my class like this.” I was completely broken that moment. My heart became the heaviest and I controlled my tears and fled. I could not imagine how I would face everyone.
Ofcourse nobody wanted to see my face or keep anything with me. Everyone was against me. I received 2-3 mails saying ‘I think what you did was correct.’ But I did not respond to any. I did not talk to anybody and nobody talked to me either. They were accusing me of having some political reasons, personal fights etc of which I took revenge in this form. When I heard all this, I used to cry !! It was sick !! I never had any motive except to make the prof aware that he was not being careful in the way he conducted his examination. NOTHING ELSE
Anyways, I've been trying my best to make things ‘normal’ but as expected it is not easy. I am still not comfortable with my classmates and now as I'm passing out... sometimes I'm not able to bear the pain...
I just want to let go off this incident... somebody please empty my mind off it...
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